The pregnancy limbo that miscarriage leaves.
Miscarriage shatters an antenatal bubble that you once lived in which you never knew was there.
It takes away a naivety that you once had that pregnancy would be plain sailing and a comfortable bed of roses and replaces it with a hesitation to be overjoyed. It gives you a fear, not of the unknown but of the awful heartbreaking reality of the known.
It leaves you with an open wound that will never close and will always remain at a risk of being exposed again.
It leaves you within a limbo that washes over you from the moment you find yourself sat in the bathroom staring at a positive test stick. Sat with a desperation to be overjoyed by the results but terrified and stifled by the journey you’re about to embark on.
You find yourself with a ‘disbelief’ as you enter into the most awful time of ‘not knowing’…
You want to be elated at the result but in reality time has just taken a whole new pace of excruciatingly slow.
You fight yourself between willing the time to speed up so you can become awash in happiness and relief that everything is OK and desperately wanting it to slow down to avoid any heartache which may pursue.
After miscarriage a positive pee stick is no longer a confirmation. It’s a reality check of just how delicate pregnancy can be.
You then face the weeks of not knowing. Weeks of being pregnant without a real confirmation. It becomes a waiting game of desperation to see if there really is a life growing inside; a daily fear of loss reoccurring.
You want to shout from the rooftops with happiness that you’re pregnant but can’t due to the unknowing what’s really happening inside your own body.
Every niggle is a reminder that things could go wrong. Paranoia and worry set in and emotions take over.
Before miscarriage you’d spend your pre-scan time reading magazines on baby development. Marvelling each day at the changes happening inside of you. Embracing intriguement and excitement. Miscarriage give you a sad enlightenment of fragility. It replaces maternal enthusiasm with a defence mechanism that screams at you not to get attached. Although that is the very thing you yearn to do, and you do.
You build yourself a safety net of ‘what will be will bes’ to try and alleviate any possible pain that will come from reoccurrence should they happen.
You feel you’re being dragged into a false sense of security as you feel sick, you endure cravings, as you watch your body changing. You want to embrace it but are petrified.
Pregnancy after miscarriage & losing a child you want with every piece of you leaves you treading water. Wading emotions and just willing things to be OK. And it doesn’t stop there.
The first reassuring scans are most often just a first hurdle to pass. The limbo does not stop.
Miscarriage leaves you with a limbo that never goes away. A bubble of joy that you can never return to. A pregnancy bloom that never quite blossoms fully again. A realisation that nothing is quite as delicate or unpredictable as a life growing within.
Rainbows do form, and boy do we weather the storms before they grace us, but the limbo never leaves.
Please do not ever feel you are alone, For more information and support regarding miscarriage please take a look at the information here on the Tommy’s website.