What do our kids really want from us? What do we really want from them? Let’s see…
Kids: Not to run the nit comb upwards so confidently through the hair on the nape of their neck.
Parents: To stop bringing nits home…please.
Kids: Not to go off on one during the process of getting ready for school.
Parents: To have the skill to get up, get dressed, have breakfast, be organised and locate shoes without sending out a search party before leaving for school.
Kids: To say it’s absolutely OK to keep faffing about after bedtimes.
Parents: To go to bed and immediately go to sleep.
Kids: To stop expecting them to pick their clothes up.
Parents: To not expect that clothes, bags, coats, shoes etc are ok to be discarded onto the floor in a natural motion and dropped without a second thought regardless as to where they are standing or walking through.
Kids: To not have to help with housework. Ever.
Parents: To have an ability to ‘clean as they go’.
Kids: To stop expecting them to put their uniforms tidy.
Parents: To present themselves in the morning looking like they have placed their uniforms on the bannister the night before like instructed. To not present themselves saying they have done this whilst standing in a uniform that will need heavily dousing in steam to remove creases.
Kids: To stop telling them they’ll go to school with no shoes on.
Parents: To understand that they will go to school without shoes on and believe that it is not an idle threat each morning and put their shoes where they can locate them in a swift manner the next time they have to put them on.
Kids: To be able to complain about dinner.
Parents: To not complain about dinner in any manner during the cooking process, while it’s being dished up or while eating it. Also to finish their dinner in a thankful and grateful manner with a smile on their face. To wear a game face that portrays you are enjoying every last mouthful. And to eat every last mouthful.
Kids: To not have to turn the TV down.
Parents: To realise that if the TV is turned off it is a consequence of their own actions for not adhering to the rules and moaning about said consequence is just rude and will not get the t.v switched back on.
Kids: To not think I’m stupid and remember I have a third ear that can multitask in its listening.
Parents: To have the knowledge that I am not deaf and am very aware that the volume on the TV is being slowly re-adjusted and creeping back up after I’ve instructed it to be turned down.
Kids: To have fizzy pop whenever they want.
Parents: To understand that having squash or water to drink is completely normal and to have the knowledge that fizzy pop is just a treat. Also to know that it’s not acceptable to think you’ll be permitted to have pop just because you can’t be bothered to make yourself a drink.
Kids: To have whatever they want for pudding.
Parents: For them to be happy with an ice lolly for pudding. And to have an understanding that pudding allocation decisions are final. If a yogurt is allocated for pudding, you will not be able to have something different just because you’ve vocalised your distaste at the limited choice. Saying you don’t want pudding should not be used so flippantly as an excuse to get out of eating your dinner and they’ll be no going back on your choice to skip pudding once that choice has been made 30 minutes later.
Kids: To stop putting things in their packed lunch bags which came home rejected in their packed lunch bags the day before.
Parents: To present me with a lunch bag void of all food items but still with the teaspoon and drinks bottle alongside.
Kids: To stop having the ability to hear the fridge open or the cupboards rustling and homing in from another room.
Parents: To stop routing through the fridge or cupboards (especially teenagers) and eating the staple ingredients for a family meal. Or opening things and eating a small part of the packet and leaving the rest without informing anyone only to be discovered when the rest of the packet has gone mouldy and is unusable.
Kids: To stop asking them to ‘get out of the fridge’.
Parents: To know it’s not OK to eat all of the essentials for the pack ups (school packed lunches) whenever they want and to understand that dad will go off on one if you eat the chocolate bars (Mars, Snickers, etc) when there are Penguins readily available and allocated for the kids. This applies to the freezer too. Stop leaving half-filled cups of drink in there.
Kids: For parents to stop thinking its OK to taste test a bit of all food that is dished up first (known in our house as mummy tax) and to expect to have a bag of crisps opened without losing a few as payment.
Parents: To have the knowledge that ‘mummy tax’ is an existing fee that all mums take payment of. Any edible item that passes through mums grip is prone to be taste-tested at any given time.
Kids: To stop criticising their vocal tones.
Parents: To understand that the tone in your voice can determine any mood and has the ability to change my mood in a split second. And to understand the use of any voice/tone that is associated with any character in the Charlie & the Chocolate Factory is wholly unacceptable and will flash me up. Vocally portraying The Omen is not a tone to pride yourself on and will not do you well.
Kids: To stop moaning at the shortage of space in the bed when they appear in the night.
Parents: To know that mum loves a cuddle and will spend the night squeezing and kissing you if you expect to sleep in her bed. Have an understanding that it is still her bed though and have the knowledge that kicking the covers off is not acceptable and don’t get gnarly when she gets agitated by being slapped in the face by your flailing arms at 2.30 am.
Kids: To stop putting the toys away (especially toddlers).
Parents: To stop making such a mess in a path of destruction type way, all the time, continuously.
Kids: To agree with something that’s said.
Parents: To stop disagreeing with everything.
Kids: To stop trying to be cool in front of their mates.
Parents: For them to tell their mates they have the coolest parents ever.
Kids: To always know that they are loved.
Parents: To always know that they are loved.